Arvind Kejriwal – a classic case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Arvind Kejriwal – a classic case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Date: 21-Jan-2014

 

Many gullible and innocent people saw hope in Arvind Kejriwal. However, his constant U Turns, arrogance, abusing and accusing talk and now well established lack of idea about the Governance and Economy, his constant penchant for agitation, ridiculing Republic day parade, declaring Delhi police corrupt in one breath and in second breath asking them to throw away their uniform and join his Party, proclaiming openly himself as an Anarchist, instead of leading a responsible government he is leading a bunch of irresponsible agitationists and anarchists, et el, has been a cause of serious concern. People are asking is he being irresponsible. I feel describing him as ‘irresponsible’ will amount to playing down the seriousness and gravity of the issue. He is far beyond being called as mere ‘irresponsible’. Sincere desire to find out the state of Arvind Kejriwal has prompted me to do some lay-man research on his behaviour.

I suspect he suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder generally believe that the world revolves around them. This condition is characterized by a lack of ability to empathize with others and a desire to keep the focus on themselves at all times.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) involves arrogant behavior, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration-all of which must be consistently evident at work and in relationships. People who are narcissistic are frequently described as cocky, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. Narcissists may concentrate on unlikely personal outcomes (e.g., fame) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. Related Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic. Narcissism is a less extreme version of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissism involves cockiness, manipulativeness, selfishness, power motives, and vanity-a love of mirrors. Related personality traits include: Psychopathy, Machiavellianism.

Narcissists tend to have high self-esteem. However, narcissism is not the same thing as self-esteem; people who have high self-esteem are often humble, whereas narcissists rarely are. It was once thought that narcissists have high self-esteem on the surface, but deep down they are insecure. However, the latest evidence indicates that narcissists are actually secure or grandiose at both levels. Onlookers may infer that insecurity is there because narcissists tend to be defensive when their self-esteem is threatened (e.g., being ridiculed); narcissists can be aggressive. The sometimes dangerous lifestyle may more generally reflect sensation-seeking or impulsivity (e.g., risky sex, bold financial decisions).

There are six signs of a person being Narcissists:

Sign #1:  Unilateral listening. 

What I want is all that matters.  When we make decisions together, what you want, your concerns, your feelings…..these are mere whispers, inconveniences and irrelevancies.  When we discuss issues, my opinions are right.  Yours are wrong or else of minimal importance.  If you expect to have input, you are undermining me.       

Instead of listening in order to be responsive, narcissistic listening listens to dismiss, negate, ignore, minimize, denigrate or otherwise render irrelevant other people’s concerns.  One specific indicator: frequent responses that begin with "But....", which is linguistically a backspace-delete key.

SIgn #2  It’s all about me. 

I know more, I know better, I’m more interesting,  When we talk, it’s mostly about me. In conversations, I take up most of the air time. Almost all of my chatter is about what I have done, what I am thinking about.  If you begin to talk about yourself, I link back to something in my life so that the focus of the discussion again becomes all about me.  Maybe that's why people say I suck up all the air in a room.

When I want something, I need to have it. Never mind how you feel about it; it’s all about me.  I’m big and important and you are merely also here, mostly to do things for me, like a third arm. 

Narcissistic people are sometimes, and even often, generous. The difficulty with trusting a narcissist to take actions that are sympathetic to your interests comes at the times when what they want is contrary to what someone else wants. Odds are that at these times they will act in a manner that is selfish, that is, responsive only to their own concerns.

Sign #3:  The rules don’t apply to me. 

I can have affairs, cut into a line where others are waiting, cheat on my taxes, and ignore rules that get in the way of my doing what I want..  Rules are for other people to follow.

Narcissists suffer from what I call Tall Man Syndrome.  They experience themselves as above others, so the rules don't apply to them.

Sign #4:  Your concerns are really criticisms of me, and I hate being criticized.

If you insist on my listening and taking your concerns seriously I’m likely to get mad.  Criticism hurts.  I can criticize others, and often do, but if you criticize me you’re hurting my feelings so I’ll hurt you back.

Narcissists paradoxically manifest both an inflated idea of their own importance and quickness to feel deflated by negative feedback. In addition, because they think everything is about them, they hear others’ attempts to talk about personal feelings as veiled criticisms of themselves. 

The clinical term for taking others' concerns as personal criticism is called personalizing.  E.g., If she says "I'm feeling lonely," her narcissistic friend will hear the self-statement as an accusation, "You don't spend enough time with me."

Sign #5:  When things go wrong between us, it’s always your fault. 

I can’t be expected to apologize or to admit blame.  I’m above others and above reproach. You shouldn’t have…..… . Don’t threaten me with expecting me to say how I’ve contributed to a problem or I’ll get mad at you.

Unwillingness to take responsibility for mistakes goes hand-in-hand with quickness to blame.  This trait may come from confusing the part with the whole. "If I've done one thing that's not right, then I must be all bad."  That's also all-or-nothing thinking.    

Whatever the source of the sensitivity to criticism and difficulty admitting mistakes, the upshot is a tendency to blame others when anything has gone wrong.  Blaming and fault-finding in others feel safer to narcissists than looking to discover, learn and grow from their own part in difficulties.       

While narcissists are quick to blame, they may be slow to appreciate.  Appreciation and gratitude are acts of giving.  Narcissists, as I mentioned above, often pride themselves on how much they give to others and may make demonstrative shows of generosity; at the same time, people close to them are likely to experience them more as takers.            

Sign #6:  If I’m angry, it’s your fault. 

You made me mad. You didn’t listen to me.  You criticized me.  You’re trying to control me.  Your view is wrong.   So you need to apologize, not me. 

I’m not responsible either for my anger.  If I’m mad, my anger is your fault. I'm only mad because you ... "

Some narcissists show major charm and social agility.  At the same time, these seemingly super-confident folks also can be quick to anger.  When they do become inflamed, they then immediately blame their anger on others.  

What are typical anger triggers for people with narcissistic tendencies? 

Critical comments will do it.  As I said above, as much as narcissisitc folks see themselves as special, they also can be remarkably thin-skinned.  Any feedback that punctures their belief in total specialness can feel quite threatening. The immediate response will be to issue blame.

Telling anyone what to do, or sounding even somewhat like you are telling them what to do, is likely to provoke irritation.  Pretty much everyone prefers autonomy (unless the two people have an agreed-upon boss-worker or similar relationship).  Narcissists however tend to be hyper-sensitive about feeling controlled.  Any request therefore to a narcissist is at risk for triggering irritation.  Asking a narcissist to do something your way rather than theirs is particularly likely to sound to them like you are telling them what to do. Their anger then in response, of course, is ‘your fault’.

If one analyses the behavior and conduct of Arvind Kejriwal for the last 2 years or so, we find that all these signs are very much evident in him.

So what pattern does the narcissist follow?

Many have suggested that NPD emerges from an environment in which vulnerability comes to feel dangerous, representing, at worst, either a grave defect, or at best, a stubborn barrier to becoming a worthwhile human being (that’s simplifying a great deal of research and theory, but it’s a workable summary); hence, the correlation between narcissism and insecure attachment styles, in which fears of depending on anyone at all engender constant attempts to control the relationship or avoid intimacy altogether. If you devote yourself to directing interactions or holding people at arm’s length, it’s a lot harder to become vulnerable (needless to say, the “safety” is largely an illusion). People with NPD have learned to ignore, suppress, deny, project, and disavow their vulnerabilities (or at least try) in their attempts to shape and reshape “who they are” in their interactions. Change—allowing the vulnerability back in— means opening up to the very feelings they’ve learned to avoid at all costs. It’s not that people with NPD can’t change; it’s that it often threatens their sense of personhood to try.  And their failed relationships often confirm, in their minds, that narcissism is the safest way to live.

Put another way, narcissists can’t be narcissistic in a vacuum. They need the right audience in order to feel like a star, for example, so they often cultivate relationships with people who stick around for the show, instead of the person. Over time, as their perfect façade starts to slip, their constant fear that people will find them lacking becomes a horrifying reality. The very people who stuck around for the show lose interest when it ends—which merely convinces the narcissist they need to hide their flaws and put on a better show. 

Alternatively, even when they fall for someone who could be more than just an adoring fan—someone who offers the hope of a more authentic, enduring love—narcissists still live with the paralyzing fear they’ll somehow be deemed unworthy. Their terror is frequently out of awareness, and nearly always managed with bravado and blame, but it’s profound and palpable.  Sadly, their anger at having their mistakes and missteps exposed ultimately alienates their loved ones, and the demise of yet another relationship prompts them to redouble their efforts to avoid vulnerability—in short, it pushes them towards more narcissism. The sad irony of the narcissistic condition is that, in an effort to protect themselves, narcissists inevitably invite the very rejection and abandonment they fear in the first place. 

The key, then, to interacting with someone you suspect is narcissistic is to break the vicious circle—to gently thwart their frantic efforts to control, distance, defend or blame in the relationship by sending the message that you’re more than willing to connect with them, but not on these terms; to invite them into a version of intimacy where they can be loved and admired, warts and all—if they only allow the experience to happen.

When we change relational patterns, it often transforms even the most inflexible "trait" into something softer, gentler—not a fixed feature, but a protection that eventually yields to touch and intimacy in all the ways one would hope. Narcissism is a way of relating. Not everyone can shift into a more flexible form of intimacy, but some can.

However, the way Arvind Kejriwal is behaving, we must decide whether or not the Arvind Kejriwal and band of his supporters are capable of seeing themselves—and you—through a less constricting lens than the narcissistic world view.

If I see the pattern in Arvind Kejriwal’s behaviour and conduct for the last two years or so, I have a strong reason to believe he suffers from NPD and his NPD is acute.

I appeal to the citizens of this country to analyze Arvind Kejriwal on these lines and arrive at their own inference.